you know what’s fucked up?
that you can be without someone for six months, a year, five years and have mastered not thinking about them, but no matter how much time passes there will always be that moment where you see a photo of them or catch a little of their cologne on a crowed street and suddenly you’re plagued with a rapidly sinking stomach and the relentless question, “what did i do wrong?”
I never understood why I would sweat and be really nervous around new people and at parties.
I never understood why I couldn’t ever get comfortable in a social setting.I never understood why I would shake so bad around new people. Even my boyfriend.
I never understood…
"My Friend Never Replied to my Text": the Example
- Me, not Depressed: They must be busy. Oh well!
- Me, Depressed: Oh god, they must hate me. I said something stupid. I'm bothering them. I always bother them. I'm not good enough to be anyone's friend. This is why no one likes me. No one will love me. I'm going to die alone. (voice of reason, struggling): ugh... not this again... go away.
- Me, Depressed + minor Paranoid Delusions: Why aren't they replying? They must think I'm an idiot. I'm not an idiot! I'm always nice to them. They must have always hated me. They're trying to hurt me. I can just hear them making fun of me. Why do people try to hurt me? Fine then! I don't need any of those bastards anyway.... (voice of reason, struggling): I don't know if any of this is actually really happening... please calm down... you're getting worked up over things you're imagining, not things that really happened.
- Me: Who am I? I faced this question growing up without anyone to help me figure it out. These parts of myself are in everyone a bit. But for me, it felt more pronounced. And my subjective experience was one of war. They argued with each other. I wanted to rip myself open and just yell as the opposing forces within me burst from my chest, and I finally could rest. Am I the fun, kind, industrious, patient, optimistic, reasonable person? Am I the constant downer who has no confidence, no self-esteem? Am I the irrational angry person?
- Me: I've decided I am Joseph. I am mentally ill. Here are the parts of me you will probably grow to love. And there are the parts of me I hope you will try to understand and forgive.